Extra Corn – Hold the Cheese (Some NSFW)

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Published on: December 23, 2014
"Just so you know...i'm into women with really big....um...brains...big...round..full...DD brains..."
“Just so you know…i’m into women with really big….um…brains…big…round..full…DD brains…”

I think a good portion of people today have all experienced this: A holiday gathering with the family…polite talk…looser tongues when the wine/beer/vodka flows leading to raucous laughter (and more often than not raunchy…or is that just my family?) And at SOME point: woe to anyone who isn’t married/involved…

“When are you going to settle down?”
I’m still waiting for my career as a professional lion tamer to take off – after that I can write my own ticket and think about my future…

“Whatever happened to ____?”
It didn’t work out…things happen…after they: drained my accounts/slept with my bff/stole my dog/used my picture to troll on the internet/etc…

“I’d like to meet my grandchildren before I get too old and forgetful…”
That might be a good thing – I plan to raise them as volcano worshippers…


If you are…were… or will one day be “single”, you’re familiar with the stereotypical singles “scene”… so many of those who are married or in a long term relationships have forgotten or have romanticised how it is for tho whare unattached trying to find attachment (Even if it IS just for the rest of the evening because…well….you know…)

We’ve been to parties or clubs (or corner pubs…personally, those are more my thing) and sure enough either you, or someone in your group (which is more likely in my case) is chatted up by a stranger. Sometimes it’s a simple “Hello.”…aaaaaand sometimes it’s not.

…and THAT is where this post is coming from: “pickup lines”..

As kids, we were encouraged to use them when we wanted to make new friends…no, we didnt CALL them “pick up lines” but that’s what they were/are…they’re means of introduction, to let people know we want to get to know them…plus they have a kick-ass Lego set with extra lego men! Point is – we introduce ourselves to fellow humans who possess something we want: toys, acceptance, social connections…..complimentary “naughy bits”.

Of course, as we get older, we become a little more unsure of allowing ourselves to be seen as vulnable, so humor takes it’s place…well…ok, humor of the most painful, obvious sort…but as a defense mechanism it has it’s merit: if it works – awesome! And if it doesn’t…well…it was all in jest and face is saved, right…?

So…what *are* some of these “humorous” lines that have been/suggested to be used…?

* Is there an airport near by or is that my heart taking off?
* You’re so hot that you make the sun jealous.
* Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
* You are like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can’t stop you!
* Know what’s on the menu? Me-n-u.
* I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.
*I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way, and you’ll be lovin’ it.
*My love for you is like diarrhea, I just cant hold it in!
* Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.
* I would marry your cat just to get in the family.
* I have gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
* My friend and I have a bet that you won’t take off you blouse in a public place.
* No, I am not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
* Pardon me, are you in heat?!
* Can I have directions to your house?
* Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
* Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
*I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather survive a Zombie Apocalypse with.
* Your daddy must of been a drug dealer because you are dope.
* When does your centerfold come out.
* If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?
* Baby, if you were words on a page, you would be what they call FINE PRINT.
* You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
* You make my software turn to hardware!
* You are so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
* If you were a car door I would slam you all night long.
* How about you sit on my lap and we will straighten things out.
* Can I have directions to your house?
* Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.
* Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.
* Your daddy must of been a drug dealer because you are dope.
* When does your centerfold come out.
* Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?
* Why don’t you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?
* Baby I am like milk, I will do your body good.
* Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.
* Hey baby lets play army I will lay down you can blow me up.
* If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays.
* You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
* You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here.
* Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
* Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a man friend, come and talk to me.
* Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

But ladies! Why should WE be left out of the fun, right?

We're not drunk...we're just intoxicated by you...
We’re not drunk…we’re just intoxicated by you…

We have lines like these to use:
* “You know what would make your face look better? (What?) My legs wrapped around it.”
* “I hear you’re good at algebra…..Will you replace my eX without asking Y?”
* “Boy if you were a vegetable you’d be a cutecumber”
* “Do you sleep on your stomach? Him: NO… You: Can I?”
* “Whip it out and show me what you got, so I can save the disappointment from later.”
* “Hi, did your license get suspended for driving all these girls crazy?”
* “Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.”
* “I don’t need a spoonful of sugar to swallow you.”
* “Boy is your name homework because I’m not doing you and I should be.”
* “I’d like to name a multiple orgasm after you.”
* “Are you David Beckham? Because I’d bend for you.”
* “Hi, i’m wasted but this condom in my pocket doesn’t have to be.”
* “You touch his shirt and ask, “Is this cotton?” Wait for response. Then touch down in the crotch area and say, “Oh, this must be felt.”
* “They’re called “eyebrows” cus my eyes are browsin your fine ass”
* “Aren’t you the guy who gets fan mail from Ron Jeremy? ”
* “I’d like to point out that “beautiful” has U in it. But, ‘quickie’ has U & I together.”
* “Would you like a gin and platonic or a Scotch and sofa?
* “Baby you be the tree, and I’ll wrap around you like a koala bear
* “Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.”
* “I do not care for fancy wines, I prefer moans”
* “Are you a smoke detector? Cause you’re really loud and annoying.”
* “I know you think im sexy, I know you think im fine, but just like all the other guys get a number and wait in line”
* “Are you a dictionary? (Why?) Because you just gave me the definition of Gorgeous.”
* “Is your name country crock, cause you can spread me anytime.”
* “Nice package let me help unwrap that!”

Some great pick up lines that work include :
“I hope you’re not here with a date”
“Can I flirt with you?”
“Didn’t I see you on the cover of Vogue ( or some other magazine)?”
“You’re the one I’ve been saving this seat for”


You could even start with “Hi, my name is ….”, with a honest smile and parlay the conversation into something else, if she smiles, you’re onto the jackpot, if she doesn’t, pick a good exit strategy, like telling her someone put you up to a bet to introduce yourself to her because you thought she looked great. Appeal to her good nature and tell her you didn’t mean to offend etc. etc. Flattery and remorse are a powerful combination for an exit strategy, then smile and walk away.

Good luck…and let’s be careful out there…

Keep it safe – keep it sane…

Article Sources: http://EzineArticles.com/1789377


And a man who only needs to say “Hello, I’m Mick Jagger…” to “score chicks” with a less than subtle hint about his motives…

From Top of the Pops in 1967:

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