Number 11 Is The One To Pay Attention To…

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Published on: October 29, 2014
SOMEONE needs to work on their flying...
SOMEONE needs to work on their flying…

Katherine Howe, a descendant of accused Salem witches, and a lecturer on American Studies at Cornell University (Plus,has written several popular novels spiced with magic, including “The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane.”) As she also has a deep knowledge of the culture of witchcraft. Her new anthology, “The Penguin Book of Witches,” offers a fascinating selection of historical accounts – including the 1692 cross examination of the Salem slave Tituba and the 1697 apology of Samuel Sewall, the only Salem judge to publicly express his regret for participating in that deadly ordeal.

Now the Washington Post…always up on the latest in investigative procedures has supplied us with 10 Signs someone’s a Witch…

It’s really 11…but don’t tell them that…they at the Post don’t take criticism well… (Plus, I answered “yes” to at least half the questions…)

1. Is the suspect a woman?

To answer your question: No, I did *not* pose for this...
To answer your question: No, I did *not* pose for this…

Women, as we know, are morally weaker than men, and so more susceptible to temptations into sin. Their natural hunger for ease of living and fine things means the Devil can lure them into signing their name to his book without too much trouble. Okay, so she’s illiterate, but she can still make her mark in the book with her blood. Just look what happened to Adam, when he didn’t provide his wife with sufficient moral guidance and fortitude.

2. Does she have a pet?

She's not a witch...she's a Cat Lady...see the difference?
She’s not a witch…she’s a Cat Lady…see the difference?

After she’s signed away her soul, the Devil will give her a small spirit familiar to attend to her. This creature can shape-shift and be sent out to do her bidding, and she might be able to assume its shape as well. She’ll try to convince you that only black cats are suspicious, but she’s lying. Don’t believe her when she says “Oh, this yellow bird? That’s just my canary.” Be on guard for small snakes, birds, cats, rats, dogs, and griffins.

3. Does she have a wart?

Well..???  Those warts ain't gonna find themselves...!
Well..??? Those warts ain’t gonna find themselves…!

Her spirit familiar has to nurse on her body, and so she has a special diabolical teat concealed on her person somewhere for that purpose. Check closely. It could be between her fingers, or in a more intimate area. If necessary you might need a panel of expert women to help you search. (Sometimes men don’t quite know how to find things in that intimate area, and need guidance.)

4. Is she irritating?

Yes...good lord yes...
Yes…good lord yes…

She’s always asking for something, or coming by when she’s unwanted, or making a spectacle of herself. Some people just can’t take a hint, can they? I mean, they come by, begging for scraps of food because they’re destitute, with no respect for how tough other people have it.

5. Is she weird around your kids?

Weird...?  How would you know..?
Weird…? How would you know..?

Maybe she doesn’t have any of her own. Or maybe hers all died. Who knows? But she’s definitely prone to paying too much attention to your kids. Maybe she wants to give them plums and entice them to come live with her. Maybe she insists on helping out with them when they get sick, and comes by even when you don’t want her to. See #4, above.

6. Is she middle-aged? candidate for witc-...oh wait...too late...forgot about that film... candidate for witc-…oh wait…too late…forgot about that film…

No longer young enough to be beautiful, but not old enough to be venerable, women at middle age are in their peak risk years for temptation into witchery. She’s somewhere between 40 and 60, and so she should be a pillar of the community, head of her own family, active at church, involved in supporting her husband’s work. If she’s alone, or didn’t get elected to full church membership, you should be suspicious.

7. Is she pissed?

"You mean aside from the regular three days a month...?"
“You mean aside from the regular three days a month…?”

Is she quick to anger? Has she ever attacked a constable for no reason? Has she been known to scream at people and call them whoremasterly rogues? Have you seen her hunch someone of quality with her elbow? Inappropriate anger is a definite warning sign. Women should really be able to keep it together no matter what.

8. Has she stopped going to church?

sleeping woman

She might try to offer an excuse, such as being dressed only in rags. Maybe she’s too busy romancing her former indentured servant. In any case, she’s supposed to be at church with everyone else, for all eight hours. If she’s not, it could be because she’s too tired from attending witches’ sabbaths and drinking red wine in the rye field behind the minister’s house.

9. Has she’s threatened you — and then it totally came true?

Just give her the damned butter!
Just give her the damned butter!

Remember that one time she came over to borrow some butter, and you sent her away? She’s SO annoying, always asking for things, isn’t she? Anyway. So remember how when she went away, she was muttering under her breath, and she said you’d regret not giving her any butter? And remember how later that same evening, the butter wouldn’t come? Yeah. That happened. Just saying.

10. Have you seen her spirit in your house at night?

Hey...some of us have real body-issues, ok?
Hey…some of us have real body-issues, ok?

Okay, admittedly, some people think that the Devil can assume anyone’s shape, regardless of whether they’re really witches or not. So it’s possible, in theory, that the shape you saw come in at the window was the Devil pretending to be her. Possible. Not probable, though. I mean, would God really let the Devil assume the shape of an innocent? Would He really? Didn’t think so.

And most importantly:

11. Has she confessed?

So maybe you did have to ask her repeatedly. Maybe you did ask her to prove she wasn’t a witch. And maybe you did have to help her remember her guilt with a quick beating. Big deal. She’s confessed! And there’s no better method to finding out other witches than the word of a confessed witch. Now she can tell you who her confederates are. Now you can find them all.

(If she answers “yes” to this question, all other questions aren’t necessary…)


Count the number of times you answered “Yes”:

0-2: You’re probably safe – for now.

3-5: Lock up your children – and your cows.

6-8: Prepare the ducking stool.

9-10: Get a rope.

The automatic response to "Yes" on #11
The automatic response to “Yes” on #11


Some facts about the Salem Witch Trials:

The Facts:

* Massachusetts did not issue an offical apology until 1957.

* The first case that was brought before the court was that of Bridget Bishop. She was later executed by hanging on June 10, 8 1692.
* March 1, 1692 was when the Salem witch hunt began.
* The final execution happened on Sept. 22, 1692.

* A memorial honoring the victims of the witch trials was built in Salem in 1992.

* Famous playwright Arthur Miller based his play, “The Crucible,” on the trials. The play was an allegory for what Senator Joseph McCarthy was doing to people in the 1950s because he and his committee thought they were Communists. Many people like the Salem witch trials were convicted without being guilty. It was another dark day in American history.

* In January of 1697, the Massachusetts General Court declared a day of fasting in honor of the innocent lives that were taken because of mass hysteria.

* Giles Corey out of the accused was not executed by hanging but instead he was pressed to death with stones.

* Contrary to common belief, the accused weren’t burned at the stake, they were hanged (Except for Giles)

Courtesy of Massachusetts History:

Courtesy of The History Channel:

And I simply can’t resist…

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